Tag Archives: I’m a terrible person
8 Apr

So much of parenthood is not at all like I imagined it, some of it is immeasurably better, and some is…well…how do I even say it?  It just sucks! It makes you feel horrible, the guilt, the irritation, the desire to forcibly fix the problem.  The problem, such as it is, is not my own children, I’m talking about my children’s friend…my child’s only friend, which produces some of the guilt as in shouldn’t she be having play dates?  I must be a bad mother since I don’t have her signed up for every class and educational experience available ( which I would drive her to in the good car, which my husband has, not our  uninspected,  17 yr old  non muffler having  teen dream “extra car” ).  Suffice to say, at this point in her little four-year old life, my oldest daughter has one friend…and I can’t stand her!  I am bad, a bad bad bad mother, human… soul.  I want my child to have friends, of course I do, my psychosis only goes so far, but does it have to be this one?  This child is 5 yrs old, she is for all intents and purposes a nice child, well sort of, she’s 5 so you have to take some things with a grain of salt.  I’m new to this whole thing, this kids having friends over thing, and again it’s not a playdate, first of all I’m not that organized, I’m still in my robe. ( I like to say it’s because I’m cold…is it?  I don’t know, I am the Queen of Delusion! )  The girl lives next door, so every few days there’s an obnoxious banging I can only assume is an attempt to break down the door and when I muster up the will to go to the door ( because I know who’s on the other side ) she barrels in barely pausing to say what I can only hope is a mere portion of the rehearsed with Mommy before she left the house speech requesting permission to come into my house and play with my daughter.  It usually goes something more along the lines of said child practically knocking me out-of-the-way as she rushes to the corner of the kitchen to take off her shoes ( her house rule, not mine, but one of the few rules she’ll actually follow without supervision, so I don’t interfere ) saying something  ( in her strange high-pitched monotone that’s rather akin to a marathon runner at the end of the race )like “I come to play with A___”.  I assume she means my older daughter because she’s not actually standing still saying this, the whirling dervish is halfway into the next room before she finishes the sentence.  So why am I a bad person?  Because I hate it when this child is in my house!  She puts a crimp in my HGTV watching Bon Bon eating day!  It’s one of those parts of parenthood that is so hard to get used to, at least for me anyway.  Will it become easier?  Or is it just this child?  I always said that I don’t like other people’s children, well I said that before I had children.  Since I’ve had children I’ve noticed that other people’s children don’t run in the other direction when they see me, so I feel I’m making progress.  But this child…this child!  She doesn’t fall into any of the categories that allow us to tell our child she can’t play with her, ” I’m sorry sweetheart but your mother’s high and your father just asked to borrow a 20 from my husband and we’re pretty sure that the bottle of Jack Daniels that we gave to him last night in fear for our safety was gone in less than an hour and ever since you had to stay at our house the night they arrested your father and pumped your mother’s stomach we’ve just been uncomfortable having you play with our daughter”.    While our next door neighbors aren’t winning any awards for their cosmopolitan lifestyle (unlike us! ) they are nice people ( the jury’s still out on the mother ) and their child is just a child…hence the horrible guilt and confusion.  Is this normal?  Are there other mothers out there who feel this way?  The child isn’t “bad” ( no child is, no one is, I tell my children that all the time )  but I think I might be!  This child bugs the sh__ out of me!  I think in part because I don’t know how to let go of complete control over what happens to my child!  I am the mother at the playground who’s ready to pummel any kid who’s mean to my children ( which I think is normal, to a certain extent, as long as you don’t act on it! ) It’s hard, oh so very hard for me to sit back and let the kids play and allow for strife and disagreement etc.  I try, oh I do, I don’t want my child to be so overprotected that she can’t function in the world, but at the same time I don’t want her to ever experience a moment’s pain.  Well she’s 4…she’s at the age where everything is either wonderful or the world is ending.  As I listen in on them now I hear her wonderful voice reminding said friend that they are not allowed to play in my room.  I know the longer I make that tether line the better it is for my beloved oldest daughter.  I think that most of the time I am unable to listen to the inner voice of reason because I’m so clouded by my own difficult childhood, and the fear that my children will grow up like me.  My husband jokes that it’s a father’s greatest job to keep his daughter off the pole, ( he’s not really joking though) I feel like my greatest job is to keep my daughter’s out of therapy!  The inner voice of reason tells me that my daughter can take care of herself,  and just now as my oldest comes whining down the stairs because the friend took a baby doll that “she had first”,  my younger daughter comes down the stairs with said baby doll to give to her big sis, having righted the wrong!  You and me against the world!  I think the biggest reason I have trouble with this girl, is she forces me to acknowledge things about myself that I don’t want to… I don’t like these things, I don’t !  Yet they are so ingrained in me ,such second nature it feels like I have no control over them.  O.K. I’ll just admit it, but you’ll hate me for it.  I guess if this blog is going to be about my journey to change I’d better be willing to risk complete strangers thinking I’m horrible.  The fact of the matter is this… the girl’s not smart!  There I said it…I am an intelligence snob!  Which you would laugh heartily at if you ever saw my college transcript.  I like to think I’m not like my irritating co-worker who feels compelled to express his “intelligence ” by reminding people of it, (often)  but he does consider me to be “as smart as he is” so perhaps the Queen strikes again.  I for the most part do not like people who aren’t smart.  ( unless they are intellectually disabled, that’s the new term now by the way, they don’t bother me, go figure, I’m more concerned with their superhuman strength, I’m not kidding, I’ve worked in that population)  It’s awful I know, but they bug me!  ( stupid people, not the disabled ) I’m not talking Stephen Hawking smart, (or disabled… oh lord!)  I sure as hell don’t know what he’s talking about half the time, I’m talking about people who just aren’t as smart as I am…so it’s all relative!  As I’m writing this I’m realizing how utterly ridiculous I sound ( yes, but! ) I know I’m not the only one.  Pause to get said friend more juice, a long drawn out process since I can’t control myself and must get her to actually ask me for the juice ( which is not how she functions,  she just sort of squirms and wiggles in the hopes that I’ll guess what she wants ) politely, using words like “may I”  and “thank  you”.  I have come to the conclusion that she is either terrified of me, or has never had to ask politely for anything in her life!  I’m hoping she’s terrified of me, see that’s just what a manners snob I am!  My manners aren’t the best which is why if you knew me you’d be pointing  your finger at me laughing!  Yes, but, I’m socially awkward, I have an excuse… She’s like a bull in a china shop with an on/off button on her ears.  Lo the many times I have said to that girl (as my daughter repeats “aren’t you gonna play with me?”)  Child, if you’re not going to play with my daughter you should probably just go back home!  She does this with regularity, she’ll come over sit down in front of the t.v. and ignore all else.  Sometimes I hear my daughter repeat the same thing  to her 5 and 6 times with no response and it’s all I can do not to swat the girl upside the head and say “Hey!  My daughter is talking to you!”  I don’t of course…yes, but I want to!  I hear the voice of my father as a child asking me if I’m just stupid…God we do turn into our parents don’t we?  This is not something I want to be!  She’s 5, her family doesn’t have cable so of course she’s mesmerized by t.v. …but oh God there’s the pronouns!  She doesn’ t use words correctly, yes I realize I’m not a grammar master.  I’m talking about phrases like, “hers hit me” , “why we can’t play her laptop”?  It’s like nails on a chalkboard, and I correct her God help me I can’t stop myself!  It’s uncontrollable.  This child has no idea what my name is, so she avoids having to address me ( I recognize this tactic as I use it to avoid calling my in-laws Mom and Dad ) she has been told my name repeatedly, but more disturbing is the fact that she doesn’t know my husband’s name ( whom she spends decidedly more time with, he’s not an asshole and doesn’t get irritated by her.  He also co-parents with her father at night when I work, yes I do tease him…relentlessly ) So I can barely stand to write this next part, that being, her father, and my husband, indeed, have THE SAME NAME!  She still doesn’t know what my husband’s name is!  I just went over it with her when during our juice getting saga she asked me why I had 2 towels on the oven door.  I responded haphazardly that sometimes B_____ does that, to which she responded “her’s father’s put this here? ”  Like  I said I can’t control it I had to go there and ask…”what is A____ daddy’s name”?  Why, why do I do this?  What is wrong with me?  Needless to say she looked at me blankly and when I asked her what her daddy’s name is she tell’s me, so of course the next question is…yeah, she doesn’t know.  I think I said it in 5-year-old terms, “your daddy and A___’s daddy have the same name, so if your daddy’s name is B____ what’s A___’s daddy’s name?”  She didn’t know…I rest my case.