Tag Archives: diary

What’s this Lemonsool

7 Apr

So hopefully you’ve come across this blog, for reasons only luck and God would know, but you’re here and you’re wondering what this is all about…oh great another diary.  Maybe that is great cuz you, like me, like to escape your own life by looking at others and imagining how much better it is than yours.  Of course I will fail you…I plan to show the nitty and the gritty.  I have a wonderful life.  I just have a problem seeing that on a regular basis.  I have a wonderful husband that I dearly love, we’ve been married for 7 years this May, and I have two beautiful daughters, 4 and 2, and one on the way.  We have a roof over our head, food in the refrigerator and a car to drive to go get that food.  Sometimes in my better moments I look at all of them and I wonder “how did I get so lucky”?  Unfortunately there’s one little enormous problem, my wires are crossed…sometime in my childhood my wires got crossed.  Not that I was in some kind of accident, slowly gradually as a child my systems went awry, things stopped working for me the way they do for so many other people.  One thing I do know though, is that I am far from alone.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not psychotic, unless we’re speaking “new age”, well then we are all psychotic!  It comes in many guises: “why can’t you get your shit together”?    “You’re so smart why do you sell yourself short”?  “You’re so cynical” oh I could go on… I’m the highly trained actress, actually I am a trained actress, I have a degree in theatre but that’s not what I’m getting at…I’m the person you meet who you think is so funny, intelligent, neat, cool, insert some positive adjective here,  (at least I used to be until I let my world get incredibly small)  that you are so surprised to discover that I have terribly low self- esteem, that I’m a self-sabotoger,  that I have an incredibly negative worldview under my Pollyanna facade.  Ironically most people never figure this out because the people who are able to see these things

a. aren’t allowed to spend much time around me, so as not to shine a light on things, and

b. these people don’t actually want to spend time around me, cuz to them, I’m a bummer.  So my world consists of people who don’t see the facade, or people who see past it, like my husband ( God bless him ) which as you get older means very few people are in your life.  In other words, I have no friends.  It sounds so sad when I see it written on this page!  But this is the truth, in a manner of speaking…there’s always a loophole with me, I am a “yes, but” girl.  I have made many friends over my lifetime, since I have bounced around so much ( we lemonsool always do ) and thanks to the brilliance/evil of facebook I have re-connected with many of them ( notice I didn’t say keep in touch )  so I can FB stalk them and see what they’re up to without committing.  For this I equally love and hate FB.  It’s…well I guess it’s not hard to explain, it’s hard for some people to understand…I care about these people and I wish them health and happiness and I want to see that they’re lives are happy…but I don’t want the “burden” of having to write to them, and keep them current with my goings on ( I’m referring to the fact that I’m pregnant for example, not that I had oatmeal for breakfast ).  I believe this is partly to do with my belief that they’re just humoring me and they don’t actually like me (this is a hard one to explain, but I’ll try here at some point ) and partly because I can’t be bothered also sometimes known as lazy.

If you are recognizing yourself in any of this, you then like me, are a lemonsool.  What is a lemonsool?  Lemonsool stands for lemons out of lemonade.  A little dyslexic”esque”  saying I’ve used for years without

a. realizing I was saying it backwards,  ( I am so much my mother, more on that later ) and

b.  that backwards placement was more than a Freudian slip.  I have indeed been making lemons out of my lemonade pretty much my whole life.  How does one make lemons out of lemonade?  ( I feel I should mention the humorous irony that I make my lemonade with store-bought lemon juice, not fresh squeezed lemons, more on my thoughts about irony later ) You find the one tiny piece of crap in an otherwise beautiful life and you focus on it, and obsess it to death so that you are incapable of actually seeing the wondrous life you are living.  You do this year after year after year, until you pretty much can’t stand yourself anymore…You sabotage any good that comes your way, you see yourself as less than and live a life that reflects that, all the while knowing deep down that this is not how it is supposed to be…

Sorry had to take a break to make bread…no don’t even go there, I only dream of being a domestic goddess…we’re running out of bread and if I don’t make any we won’t have any for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches tomorrow, which might be why I made bread, or it might be because I do aspire to be a domestic goddess ( I haven’t made bread in 2 yrs and it only happened about 5 or 6 times then anyway), or it more than likely was due to my daughter asking me to get something for her to eat, and I let that distract me ( cuz otherwise I’d feel that frightening feeling of accomplishing something, that is having posted an entry to this blog! ).

Back to the originally scheduled programming…we the lemonsool are too smart for our own good, we can diagnose just about any non chemical psychological issue, if it’s not our own, we can give some of the best advice about relationships, again if it’s not our own, we can clearly see what goes on in everyone elses world, we think ( we are often horribly wrong , but that would shatter our fodder if we knew others were screwed up too )…pause for chocolate milk…

We tend to be highly creative, but only see maybe 10% tangible results of that creativity.  We are underachievers, pause to get Ariel umbrella ( I’m not superstitious, you can open an umbrella in my house, oh wait, I am superstitious I throw spilled salt over my shoulder )

We’ve never lived up to our “potential”, we resent those that do, but we especially resent those whose aspirations are so attainable, what must it be like we wonder?  I remember in my early twenties I resented the heck out of ( what I can only describe in what hopefully will not be an offensive way )  girls whose aspirations were to have a steady hourly wage job ( read minimum wage ) , a nice car ( read a sporty red one, probably about 5 years old ) and perfect hair ( I’ve never liked my hair, but we’ll save that for another time ) no I didn’t resent these girls, I hated them, under the guise of looking down my nose at them of course…oh how they must have laughed at the college dropout who couldn’t pay her bills and  worked at the same minimum wage job they did, yet looked down her pointy little nose at them.  That is if they took the time to notice…I can delude myself with the best of them.

So if you see yourself in any of this, you too are the lemonsool.  I’d like to change the definition, and that’s what this blog is all about, I’ve decided to document my attempts to change.  Maybe the idea of some phantom audience that’s interested in what I have to say, the idea that out there somewhere are girls just like me who might find some inspiration, camaraderie, or just a laugh, might be enough of an impetus for me to commit to something that doesn’t have an actual heartbeat.  So here goes… I will try to do something every day toward changing my lemons even if it’s just writing about my lemons ( which is for me therapeutic in some way ).   Hopefully one day I can say that I make lemonade out of my lemons!